Leavings

 

 

Life is a series of coming and leaving, starting and stopping, entrance and exit. It begins with leaving the womb and coming into the world, advances to leaving mom and going to school eventually to leaving home and striking out on your own. Each leaving is fraught with uncertainty, anticipation and a measure of fear. But if you live long enough, you come through it all in one piece and learn the leaving was really an entrance into something different, sometimes wonderful, sometimes not. It is only in hindsight that I see the anguish and pain of leaving a marriage opened up a strength in me I didn’t know I possessed.

The summer of 1977, my daughter vacationed in Florida with friends, returned home and announced, “I’m moving to Florida” She spent the next few weeks packing her belongings, gave notice at her job, met with friends and co-workers for goodbye parties, promising to write. A week before her scheduled departure, she got “cold feet”

“Maybe I’m making a mistake” she said. “Maybe I won’t like living in Florida. Maybe I shouldn’t go”.

I told her “Go, if it doesn’t work out you can always come back home but if you don’t go, you’ll always wonder what your life would be like had you gone.”

So, at the age of nineteen, my baby left, as well she should. She returned a year later and stayed with me for a short time until she found an apartment.

I knew I wanted to leave the northeast and the advice I gave my daughter, propelled me to move clear across the country to an area as unfamiliar as the moon, without fear of the unknown. The only concession I made to uncertainty was renting my home on Long Island instead of selling it. I figured if I didn’t like California, I’d have a home to go back to. I sold or gave away almost all of my possessions. I didn’t want to drag a lot of baggage with me...actually and figuratively.
            I left New York, my only home since birth. I left my nursing profession of over 20 years. I left my friends and family and all that was familiar to me to move to Santa Maria, Ca. and start a new life. I moved into a small apartment on West Sheila Ln. and went to real estate school. I studied the material, so alien to everything I knew, eventually taking and passing the exam for a real estate license. I told myself “I’ll give it a year and if I it doesn’t work out, I’ll go back to New York.” I kept my nursing license active “just in case” A year and a half later I returned to Long Island to visit relatives and friends. I told my tenant I wanted to inspect the premises. When I walked into the home that had been mine for ten years, it felt foreign. I heard a voice within say “I’ll never move back here”. I came back to California and bought the house in Pismo Beach. And so, my leaving became my coming to a new home, profession, and life style. I started square dancing which led to ballroom dancing and then tap dancing. That led to the Central Coast Follies where I performed on stage for ten years.

As I’ve aged. I realize I no longer can participate in many of my former activities. I sold my house last year and moved into a retirement community where they provide much of my needs.I look forward to another phase of my life.

I can’t imagine life any better than it is right now. But since life is constantly changing, I know nothing stays the same. During my lifetime, I’ve lost jobs, home, car, parents, siblings, husband and lovers. Some by death, some by choice, all with emotional pain. And I survived, carried on with my life, doing the best I can. When it is time for me to leave this earth, I choose to think of it as a coming into a new and different way of existing.